January 27, 2011

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we've lost Mom. It's hard for me to describe the feelings I feel. Actually, it's harder to explain the way I don't feel anything. There is currently no happy, no sad, just going through the motions trying to make some sense of what's going on. Maybe that's just the body's natural protection mechanism to avoid grief overload. I think we're all dealing with things in our own ways and we're doing alright. This post if for Stevie since you've been missing my updates, and someday soon I'll post my tribute from Mom's funeral.

Dad is still camped out here in town with me. It's nice to have someone around and to not just come home to a cold, empty house. We've been trying to stay busy with basketball games and regular trips to Wal-Mart. He's been back to work almost 2 weeks now and that has been a way to resume some new normalcy to our lives. I can't think that we'll ever have "normal" again. It seems that Axle is making it his duty to ensure that Dad doesn't get too lonely at night, and therefore alternates spending the night with Dad and me. Tonight is Dad's night.

I apologize to those of you who have called, emailed, sent texts, or any other attempt to contact me that I have not returned. I'm trying to sort things out for myself and while I appreciate your concern, I just haven't felt much like talking. I'm sure this will pass with time, but for now I'm just doing my own thing and I appreciate your understanding. It's difficult to try to resume your life when a huge part is no longer present and I have an easier time with everything when I don't have to talk about it.

Anyway, the main purpose of this post is to let everyone know that we've decided to set up a scholarship in memory of Mom. We're hustling to get things arranged quickly so we can issue it this spring at the awards ceremony at Preston High. Dad has put a lot of thought into this and we're all on board to hopefully provide a student with an opportunity that Mom never had. We haven't ironed out all the details, but I'm sure that things will just fall into place as they're supposed to and it will be as it is meant to be. If you'd like more information or are interested in contributing, send me an email and I'll get you the information.

January 8, 2011

As the shock is starting to wear away and the reality of Mom's death is beginning to sink in, I have put in a very restless night. It will be a difficult sight to behold when I walk downstairs and don't see her sleeping on her bed in the living room. My head is filled with thoughts of the coming decisions we'll make for her services, how she would best like to be memorialized, and how we'll all keep going in the days, weeks, and months to come.

I appreciate all the messages and phone calls giving your condolences and so willingly ready to jump into action to fulfill our every need. As I've tossed ideas around all night and into this morning I've concluded that many of our physical needs are met. We're well provided for in every imaginable department. I'll never turn away an interest in your prayers as we face difficult days ahead, but aside from this, we're going to be alright.

My request, if you're still interested in fulfilling a "need," is to do a good deed for someone in my Mom's memory. Visit a shut-in neighbor, donate to the local food pantry, prepare a meal for a co-worker who's recently has surgery, send a card to a friend who's feeling down. The possibilities are endless and we should continually strive to jump at opportunities to serve others. "No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted." --Aesop My Mother never wasted an opportunity to show God's love and kindness to someone else. I am sure that nothing would delight her heart more, or better honor her kind spirit, than to put into action the lessons she lived by. Dad, Justin, and I were fortunate because we were showered with love and kindness to an infinite degree having spent so many years with Mom. It almost seems unfair that she gave so much of herself to us leaving less to share with everyone else. No project was too big or too small in Mom's eyes. She worked alongside me as diligently for a 4-H poster as she did in helping me prepare the speech I delivered at my high school graduation. She never refused to help, even when she may have rather done something else. My Mom is a perfect example of what we all should strive to be. As we decided last night-- She was perfect, now she is more perfect.

January 7, 2011

It is with a heavy heart that I am posting this today. Mom's fight ended this afternoon. She fought a courageous and strong battle. We were all able to be here with her and she left us peacefully. She didn't suffer, and she wasn't in pain. We played John Denver for her and she just slipped away at 2:45 this afternoon.

Justin and Allison came up on Monday evening and have been here all week. It's been a good time together that I know will be very special for years to come. I know that she would have loved to have been able to spend more time with us, but she had grown tired and was ready. She has been preparing for this for some time now and we had been made aware of many of her wishes.

We have not yet made arrangements, but as soon as we have the information I will pass it along. Please continue to remember us in your prayers as we deal with the loss of a wonderful mother and wife. Rejoice in knowing that she is at peace in a much better place and someday we'll be reunited again.

In the coming days I may find the right words to share, but I haven't yet found them.

January 1, 2011

1-1-11! The fresh start to a new year. It is difficult to "celebrate" a new year when I know what is forthcoming. Things are getting more and more difficult for Mom. She has become more restless and isn't able to sleep as well as she once did. She is getting weaker and in recent days has had greater difficulty swallowing-- liquids, food, and her pills. Her breathing is becoming more labored and at times she will take a sudden gasp for air. She is entirely dependent on us for everything, although she prefers to have Dad do most things. It is a slow deterioration, but evident just the same. I think each of us is slowing coming to terms with everything and dealing with it in our own ways.

On Tuesday we were surprised by a visit from Mom's sister and brother-in-law, Aunt Bev and Uncle Mike. I'm glad they were able to make one more visit from Chicago. I'm sure it meant a lot to Mom and I know it meant a lot to us, as well. I didn't have the opportunity to know them really well as I was growing up because they lived so far away. In the recent months since Mom's diagnosis I've been able to see how many physical characteristics Mom and Aunt Bev share.

We have had visitors nearly every day for the past couple weeks and it has been such a blessing. We are very grateful for those of you who take the time to stop by and visit. That is more valuable at this time than anything else. As this new year is upon us, resolve to be thankful for the many blessings that God has given you instead of wishing for things you don't have. In the words of Charles Dickens, "Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many; not upon your past misfortunes of which all men have some." Wishing you all a safe and blessed 2011!