Just in case you want to see your mug on the big screen

We just went to a Phillies game over the weekend and based upon observations I made at that game, here's the scoop on how to get on the jumbo-tron.

1. If you're a college-aged male: Bring 15 of your friends and dress up like superheroes (any superhero will do) and buy the cheapest tickets in the stadium. When they play music, dance like you've lost your mind, and be sure to push any attractive girls out of view of the camera. A sign reading "Flash's Followers" hung on the fence behind you is a plus.

2. If you're a college-aged female: Get 5 of your friends and wear bright yellow booty shorts with matching tank tops without bras. Sit in the cheap seats in the section next to Flash's Followers with a sign that's decorated with hearts. Dance insanely when the music plays and make sure your boobs nearly fall out of your tank top.

3. If you're an attractive female: a.) Carry a sign proposing marriage to the youngest, most successful player on the home team, or b.) When the camera hits you, hide your face in your lap and act humiliated. Do this each of the 7 times the camera finds you.

4. If you're sitting with an attractive female: Make her hide her face in her lap and act humiliated. When the camera finds her, try to pry her head out of her lap and smile like an idiot. Every time the camera scans the crowd, point to the humiliated female and wave.

5. If you're a black male (any age): Sit back and relax. Make sure your beer is in plain sight. When the camera hits you, continue to sit back and relax. When someone beside you finally tells you you're on t.v., casually raise your beer, smile, and nod.

6. If you're an unattractive female, preferably overweight: Sit with 3 other unattractive, overweight female family members. Be sure to have a large supply of food on hand and between innings try to eat all of it. Ketchup and mustard on your face only increase your odds of making it. Be sure to pretend that you don't know you're on camera, then when someone nudges you and points to the big screen, act very surprised.

7. If you're a child under the age of 5: Wear as much logo-slopped clothing as your parents can afford. You don't have to cheer, smile, or even be awake. The team gear is the key. If your mom is holding you and she has big boobs, your chances are dramatically increased.

8. If you're elderly you don't stand a chance unless you're black, overweight, dressed in a superhero costume, or sitting next to the attractive humiliated female, aforementioned.

Back

Hello, all. After a "brief" hiatus I've decided to give this another try. I recently read Marley and Me and have been inspired to write my own adventures of the life and love of what may actually be the world's worst dog. You've met Axle previously in my blog. He's the figure skating-loving whippet. Axle had his first birthday in June, and September will mark our first year together. It's been an... unusual year, to say the least.

On Sunday we were watching the dog show. (He take particular interest in the border collie.) Throughout the show, there would be brief pre-recorded commentaries from the judges about selected breed. When the whippet had her turn in the ring, the commentary was...
"Whippets make wonderful family pets. They are very social and extremely friendly with people, very gentle with children. If you decide on a whippet for your family and allow him to sleep in your bed, which is where he prefers, you'll find that he sleeps in the middle of the bed, with his head on your pillow. Sometime during the night he will stretch out his long legs, and someone will be pushed to the edge of the bed... and it won't be the dog."

This leads me to believe that Axle may have spent some nights in the bed of that judge, because as I've experienced night after night, it's not the dog that's pushed to the edge of the bed...